I feel buried in this depression. Just absolutely buried by it. I cannot feel even the slightest bit of joy this holiday. I am just hating it. I want it to go away. I want everyone to shut off their holiday lights, and I want the music to go away. I don't want to buy presents, quite frankly, except for presents for myself, to distract myself. I'm becoming physically ill with the depression. My muscles ache. My throaght aches, and my eyes burn. I keep holding back the tears...because there is no place, no time to shed them. And shedding them, and crying means admitting he's really gone. That I'm not going to hold him in my arms again, that we'll never make love again. That he's not coming back to me.
He's gone. It's over. There is no more to do. There is no place for me in his existance. Not this new life he's begun. Maybe someday, long in the future. But that's a stretch. He's gone, as if he were dead. That's how gone he really is.
And he's showing his choices are clear. He's spent his last hours with her..his girlfriend. Not with me. He called me briefly, but didn't reach out and say "I want to see you one more time Jean..I want to be by your side once more...".
He was saying it even the last night we talked.."It's better this way. Better for us to keep our distance..because I have a girl..and because i'm going away...and.." And he let it trail off, but the meaning was clear.."And because I don't want you to love me anymore. I don't want you to have false hope. I'm never coming back to you Jean, so it is best that we have this clean break, so that you can move on.".
I don't want to move on. I still don't want to let go. Six months later, and I still don't want to let go of this hope in my heart. And I feel totally at the mercy of the misery I'm feeling. Totally at the mercy at how miserable life is right now. Totally at the mercy of my loneliness, and my grief. I can't do a damned thing to rise above it. I have friends. I don't have love. I want love...so much. I want something to look foward to. I want something to pull me up, and carry me through this season. And there is nothing there.
I feel like every where I go, i'm haunted. And I have waited for the feeling to subside. Waited for it to go away..and it hasn't. I just feel empty. No matter how many tasks I put in front of me. And every single time I start to hope for SOMETHING, even one little spark of happiness or hope, that too, is ripped away from me.
It's hard to keep that whole "Law of Attraction" thing in mind. It feels so false to try to paint a happy face, and send positive thoughts out. When all you feel inside, is waves of grief, unending.
I want him to go down there, and I want him to remember me at Christmas. And I want him to think about how happy we were, and I want him to call me and say "Come to me...come here with me. You have nothing there to tie you to Danbury any longer, come here, and be with me!". or to come back, and just show up on my door step someday not long into the future, and say.. "I made a mistake. I've had some time to think, and i've missed you!".
But, the truth is, if he did feel lonely, and if he DID decide to come back, it wouldn't be to me. It would be to her.
I'm just a part of his past.
I want him back, so so bad. I don't want to lose him to the progress of time. I don't want to give up, to let go.
I miss him so much....
I don't think i'm going to make it til New Years..