I'm crashing into another deep depression right now. And as usual, I don't want to go to a therapist and actually do anything about it. Because the reasons I'm feeling depressed are legitimate. Medicine isn't going to fix the things in my life which are making me depressed. Nothing can. It's grief. Grief which has come back as full force as it was just a month after we were broken up. It's the holiday's coming. Last year was so wonderful...I keep remembering. Each day brings me closer to the days we spent together last year. And it's hurting so bad.
I'm going to be alone this year. A holiday devoid of joy, or romance, or that "holiday magic" you hear in every single christmas song and christmas movie. I'm so fucking depressed.
I don't want the holidays to come. I wish I could just close my eyes until they are over. I don't want to celebrate. I really don't. I had hoped by this time to find someone who would make me feel....something. But right now, there is nobody. And I feel SO incredibly lost and lonely again.
I'm really feeling like I'm never going to be happy again.
I'm so angry at him for not caring, not remembering. Not just ...talking to me, and telling me he remembers..and that it was special. I need to hear him remind me of that, and let me know he remembers too. I want him to be happy in his new relationship, but I want to know that I mattered to.
I hate that i'm completely erased from his life and memory, and do not know why. Or how. I hate thinking it was all a big lie.
I miss him. I'm so so fucking lonely. I hate my life right now. I am filled with just this...emptiness right now.
I think i'm heading toward suicidality again. But...I don't want to do anything about it. Because as I said..medication can't repair what is wrong. And I've TRIED all the other things people told me would help. I've filled up my life with as many activities as possible, tried to meet new people. And none of it's working. I'm still so fucking lonely, and unhappy. And nothing will make me feel the joy I felt last year. And I miss it so fucking much.
I really don't want help. I just want it to end.