So, I'm in a "clearing" stage, where i'm shaffing off the dead wood of my life. Dead wood being men I have known, who weren't what I really wanted, and who weren't worth my time or energy. The thing is, no matter how I realize that this is true, that they aren't worthy my time,and not what I wanted anyway, it leaves a social vaccuum. And when I look at my phone at night, and there are no phone messages, and there are few numbers I can or want to call, it makes me feel lonely, and meaningless.
Now, granted, my life isn't particularly meaningless. I go to the UUA. I'm in the social action groups. I go out. Realistically, I would have to say that right now at this point in my life, I have more going on than ever before. And yet, it lacks the depth of meaning that a relationship has. And even the friendships I'm making and trying to maintain, leave me feeling somewhat empty inside. The friends that I'm making now, are all friends i'm working on something with. They're not the type of friends I can call at 1 am because i'm lonely. They're not the type of friends who want to whisk me away on some adventurous trip. They're not the kind of friends who stimulate me, really. They stimulate me mentally while i'm with them having a discussion. But not the kind of friends who leave me feeling excited about life, or about anything, really. And they're not the kind of friends who take the edge off the loneliness.
In this current state, I have nothing else to do but to focus again on my loss. On the grieving I'm still doing for W.
It's been six months now...and there still seems no end to the grieving. How empty my life feels without him in it. Even as a friend. How I miss his presence, his joy, his laughter.
Unfortunately, he doesn't appear even mildly interested in being even in the smallest way a part of my life anymore. Emails and calls go unanswered. And these aren't the plaintive calls or emails about how I still love him, but the simple "Hey, how are you doing. Haven't heard from you" type calls or the "Can you do me a favor and burn a copy of that CD I bought you..." phone calls. It seems as though I have completely dropped off the map of his consciousness. And that hurts.
All the promises of forever friendship. All the assurances of a deep and lasting bond, even if we couldn't be together romantically. I meant them. He apparently didn't.
And worse than that, as of late I've had cause to reexamine our relationship with a rather jaundiced eye. And now he's given me reason to wonder whether we really ever had anything genuine or not. Or whether he was simply looking for something from me which ultimately, I couldn't provide. A sort of help I couldn't give. In essence, i'm feeling that he was waiting for the opportunity to use me. And I failed to provide him one.
Of course, reason steps in and says "But, you offered him stuff that he refused". Yes, well, I am beginning to wonder if perhaps that, too, was a very smart and calculated move.
And yet, though my brain tells me this, i'm still missing him. Still wishing he'd waltz in and correct me.
I dreampt of him last night. I dreampt he sent me a snotty, condescending text message.
I wonder if I really knew him at all.
Or if this impossible bar that he seems to have set for me, where I cannot be happy with any other guy, or even be more than interested slightly in any other guy, was one of my own creation, really. Qualities I dreamed up, and then impressed upon him. Which he "Acted" out, but never was. And if that is true, then how can I ever hope to have a relationship again.
The holidays are approaching. Each day that passes makes me more and more aware of that.
And inside I feel so empty. I go through the motions, and live a "full" life, by outward appearances. But inside I'm so lonely..just this big empty gaping hole. Missing something. Missing him. Missing that feeling that love had for me. Missing all of the joy in life.
A well is running dry in me. And the days are passing so quickly now. I am becoming more hopeless by the day....and feeling all the more pathetic, due to it.
I am stuck hating myself, quite honestly. A deep and abiding self loathing for a woman who had so much hope, and yet has failed to find the one thing she has wanted most in life.
I am a failure, and my existance, is quite meaningless, and empty. I want, I want, I want......
But I wander unfulfilled.