Before W and I became involved in a committed, deep, emotional love affair, we were friends. Albeit, for most of the time, we were friends with benefits. But, he entered my life at a time when I felt so lonely, and heart broken.
I'd suffered a broken heart at the hands of his best friend, P. Then I'd turned to the first man who I hooked up with after him, named Max. Max was a drug addict, and alcoholic. He stole from me, terrorized me, ruined my name, and in the end, got me pregnant, and eventually began a series of events that would cause the loss of that child.
W met me while I was still marginally involved with Max, and at the time I met him, I didn't know yet that I was pregnant with Max's child. At that point, I was trying to distance myself from Max, though he, with his emotionally terrorizing ways, was making that very difficult. W was a large part of the impetus to break it off with Max. But when I found out I was pregnant, it complicated matters. During my pregnancy, Max was showing up, and harrassing me and threaghtening me and my friends, so that I would see him, and put myself, and my baby in danger. W during that time, remained a steadfast friend. We became physically intimate during this time, and I was amazed that here I was, a pregnant woman, and I was still having W pay so much attention to me. He made me feel sexy, and wanted, and good, even though I was pregnant, unwed, and that my out of wedlock child was the progeny of a drug addict. I remember keenly, how he placed his hand on my pregnant belly at one point, tenderly. And then kissed me. And how overwhelmed I was with emotion in that moment.
I wound up not carrying that child to term. W and I got closer. Max dissappeared, and... eventually, W and I formed a deeper bond, and wound up dating exclusively.
I often remember that night, with his hand on my stomach. I remember how earlier that evening, I was huddled wrapped in a blanket, at my friends house, and W sat on a sofa across the room, and we sat and listened to some christian songs which my friend S thought would be comforting to me at that time (though why, I cannot say. Probably they were comforting to him..). But I heard one of those songs this morning, on my way to work, riding in my Taxi Cab. And it brought me back to that long ago night. The lyrics are eerie, longing, heartfelt. And, though it is meant to be a prayer to the Christian God, it describes perfectly what I am feeling this evening....tonight, I am longing so much, to have those moments back. Just to be held. Just to feel that connectedness that I felt to W. Just to have him bye my side again. Just to see him smile. Just to be in his presence. Instead, I am feeling so alone, so sad. So cold. I feel like i'm drowning again. And have felt like that since the moment he left. I miss him so...
This is my daily bread
this is my daily bread
your very word spoken to me
And I'm, I'm desperate for you
And I'm, I'm lost without you
And I'm desperate for you
And I'm, I'm lost without you.