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Sineaddanu


On my Own

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* * *
Goodbye to Lu.
My best friend, the best friend I ever had, is leaving tomorrow.

He came from Brazil, three years ago, and is going back, to his home, and his family, and the life he knew there.

His life in America was far from living the American Dream. It was hardship, from start to finish. But I feel SUCH immense pride in him, and I hope he feels that pride in himself. He came with nothing, and is leaving with almost nothing, materially. Just a few things he accumulated over the years, through his almost slavelike work. However, his honor is intact. In fact, I would say, that perhaps he learned, and grew while here. Lu singlehandedly smashes all of the horrible preconceptions and stereotypes of today's "Immigrant"...stereotypes and preconceptions that I battle each day in my struggle for Immigrants Rights.

He learned to speak English, Fluently. He paid taxes with a tax id. He never took a false social security number. He never drove without a liscense, or even applied for a liscense "illegally". He "assimilated" very much, despite the fact that he spent most of his time around Brazilians, almost exclusively, with the exception of me, and the one friend I introduced him to. He wore Abercrombie, and Fitch. He loved Evanescence, and Nickleback, and Beyonce. He loved technogadgets (though that is more a Male thing, then an American thing, I suppose). True, he still loved Futbol, and probably had never watched a baseball game. True, he still preferred the spicy/salty Brazilian food over american food. However, he loved American Movies, loved going to the mall. Read American news headlines. Played "Uno" with me (Which, despite the spanish name, is an American favorite). He loved America, however little of it he actually got to see. He maintained the best features of his culture, the friendliness, and warmth, the generosity, the laughter, and zest, and blended them into this culture.

When I look at Lu, I see the face of the future American. Despite the fact that now his own chance for becoming "American" is gone, I am able to see what future waves of immigrants will be. When I hear the racists and xenophobes decry the changing face of America, I think of Lu, and I think "I wish they could see, what I see. I wish they could see the beauty.". Evolution happens, like it or not. And our world, our entire global society is indeed involving. Lu is the example of what that face would look like. The strengths of his culture, mixed with the strength of ours. It was beautiful. I have never met a more sincere, and honest person. A more caring and warm person. A more respectful, and concerned person. Never. And the intelligence! The Bravery! To have endured the journey he made to come here, To have learned and absorbed all that he needed to learn and absorb. To have endured all that he endured while here, the life of an undocumented immigrant, always pushed to the shadows, struggling against predjudice, working slave hours, for slave wages, living a life which had one foot in each country, etc. My God..what a beautiful spirit.

I have such pride in him. And I will miss him so, so much. I know he will be okay. Such a brave spirit, will obviously survive whatever is thrown his way. In fact, I believe that one day he will be very successful, and be the envy of his neighbors. I know he will be okay. And I am happy that now he will be able to hold the daughter he never held before. I am happy that he will be amongst his family again. I am happy that he will not have to deal with the Cold New England weather, and suffer racism, and predjudice anymore. I am happy he will not live the life of a fugitive, despite living a blameless life. But oh, will I miss him.

His smile, his laughter, his quick whit, and intelligence. His concern, and compassion, and his playfulness. And his hugs. His warmth. The way that I felt when I was with him. The knowledge that you were safe with someone. We didn't always agree on everything. But I can safely say that we didn't try to change eachother. We appreciated eachother for just what we were, for who we were. And loved the spirit of eachother, above and beyond all. Knowing someone truly knows you...all your strengths, and all your faults, and loves you as much as I know he loved me, and appreciates you as much as I know he appreciated me, is an experience that we should all have once in our lives.

I will miss him. A part of my heart goes with him. And I will love him, always, my best friend.
* * *
Friends,

Danbury has once again, this week, been the victim of ICE Raids. It has been reported that 14 have been taken in this latest round of ICE raids which were carried out at the homes of the victims. Many of the arrests made during late night hours (midnight raids) and some of them, without warrants for arrests. ICE continues to terrorize our local immigrant community, using Nazi-like tactics to do so, and continues to take advantage of the isolation of many in our Immigrant Communities to provide the least possible chance of them obtaining adequate, and timely legal aide in cases where victims might face deportations. Many of those taken in this latest round of raids have already been moved on to Massachusettes. They are being permitted only the most minimal communication with family members (I have reports of two minute conversations with their spouse, in some cases).

We as a compassionate community of activists, local residents, faith communities, and civic groups need to have a response to these unjust, and terrorizing raids upon our brothers and sisters.

For that reason, we are organizing a night time, candlelight walk on Wednesday 5/16 at 8:30 pm from the Courtyard of the Danbury Library (corner of Main and West Streets) to Kennedy Park (the site of past raids upon day laborers on Kennedy Ave, in Danbury), in protest of our city's collaboration with ICE and with other anti-immigrant agenda's.

Please Join us as we walk in solidarity, in a peaceful, and legal demonstration, with our Immigrant Brothers and Sisters and declare that these raids MUST stop! that the tearing apart of communities, and family's MUST stop!

A peaceful rally will be held at the close of the walk, at Kennedy Park, in which members of the community are welcome to voice their support for Immigrants in our Community, their Opposition to the Raids, and their objection to the terrorizing of the most vulnerable members of our communties.

Again:
What: Candlelight Walk and Vigil for Immigrants Rights
Where: Meet at Danbury Public Library, and walk to Kennedy Park.
When: Wednesday, May 16th, 8:30 PM.

Please bring a candle for yourselves, and any extra's you are able to bring.

In Solidarity,
Jean C. Hislop
Danbury Area Activist for Immigrants Rights.

More information to follow.
* * *
I'm not doing this anymore.
I cannot protect you.
I cannot love you.
I cannot worry for you
I cannot care about you,
OR take care of you.

I cannot BE your friend,
if you are NOT a friend.

I cannot make you important to me,
When I am not important to you.

I cannot make you a priority in my life,
When you refuse to allow me INTO your life.

I cannot give you room in my heart,
When your heart remains cold to me.

I am not an obligation.
I am not a burden.
I am not someone to whom you owe service, charity or credit.

I am a human being, with a heart.
A woman, who loved you.
A friend, who cared.

And until you appreciate all of those factors.
Until you cherish the laughter, the craziness, the tears, and the
anger, and the goals and the dreams and the hopes, and the fears
of this woman who stands before you...

Until you see the heart inside me, and find real love, concern,
warmth, care, and friendship inside yours for me...

I don't need you. I need you to leave, and stay gone.
* * *
The battle continues in Danbury. The ACLU announced today, that it is suing the local government in Danbury for it's collaboration with I.C.E which has caused the unlawful arrest of several immigrant men who were taken into custody when they appeared for their regularly scheduled parole appointments.

These Parole appointments are governed by the state level, while ICE is a federal agent. This issue blends both that of Immigrants Rights, and States Rights. Which is an interesting mix. You can read the article (and letters) here:

(you can also see footage from the entire "Stop the Raids" forum on this page)

http://www.hatcityblog.blogspot.com/
(scroll down)

* * *
Well, the immigrants rights movement marches on.

The forum in Danbury was last weekend, 2/25. 380 people, total, attended. Of that, only 40 were anti immigrant protesters. The rest, were all there to support our immigrant population here in danbury, and to voice disgust with local governments collaboration with Federal I.C.E agents.

Danbury has always been a very unique town. Close to New York City, it offers a lot of the benefits of a metropolitan area. And yet, it maintains a close knit, small community in other ways, where people all know eachother, for the most part. Not surprisingly then, some life-long Danbury citizens, the older generation, mainly, and some of the more affluent younger citizens who have led sheltered, pampered lives view our city's numerous immigrant communities with suspicion and fear. The same people, for the most part who have a problem with Immigrants, have a problem with ANYTHING or ANYBODY who they do not identify with, or do not understand. In short, they are afraid of anything different than them.

Danbury has a large Brazilian, and Large Ecuadorian population. These immigrant communities have continually helped to breathe life into our city's economy, by bolstering business in the Main Street district where numerous ethnic restaurants, and boutiques cater to a mixed market of clientele. Most of our immigrants work hard, pay taxes, and contribute to a multicultural, multireligious, multi faceted community in which diversity is prized, and embraced, with the exception of the above mentioned small group of people.

Our Mayor on the other hand, is an opportunistic arrogant man, who realized that Immigration would be a hot button topic in the coming election, so he decided to lead a call for immigration reform. Organizing a group by the name of Mayors and Executives for Immigration Reform. Needless to say, by reform, he does not mean from all levels. He has sided, it appears, with the Anti-Immigrant population who, usually being conservatives, vote republican, which is his party ticket. And in Danbury, the conservatives are the people who do not like the immigrant community, any more than they like homosexuals, or any more than they like pro choicers, etc.

So, our mayor decided to make a name for himself off of the back of our Immigrant community. Aware that media would catch the scent of struggle, Mayor Boughton called ICE (Immigration and Customs Enforcement) and directly requested their presence in Danbury. Since the first raid was conducted, in September of 2006, in which 11 Ecuadorian Day Laborers were approached by an unmarked van carrying undercover Ice Agents, lured into the van by a promise of work, and driven directly to a detention center based on little more than the fact that they were brown skinned, and waiting for work (in other words, no outstanding warrant for any of those entering the van, no proof, etc...a clear cut case of racial profiling), and then to Boston, and then to HOUSTON TEXAS, questioned without legal representation, and without benefit of an interpreter, and held even without notification to their families.. more raids have occurred.

Despite a public outcry, Mayor Boughton has turned his nose up at us, and continued to allow ICE free reign in our immigrant community. To Date, 32 people have been arrested, and detained by ICE. Often in ways which are illegal, and in complete opposition to civil rights.

Stop the Raids, a Danbury based group of activists who oppose these raids has become a voice for those who oppose these raids. And we hosted a forum on 2/25 which drew 380 people to hear speakers from both local, and nationally targeted communities, as well as lawyers and union organizers who support, and protect the rights of immigrants.

The following video clip is a clip of a section of our forum. A testimony by Teresa Pereira, a Danbury Brazilian Woman who has lived in america for 16 years. Worked, paid her taxes, started her process of legal documentation, and mother to two AMERICAN born children..citizens. Her lawyer dropped the ball, and never filed appeals he said he was going to file, and never notified her that there was any problem with her status. She was arrested, and detained, without even being told WHY she was being held, and held at a prison in Maine for a couple of weeks before lawyers were finally able to secure her release, and a reopening of her case file. Hear how she describes her arrest. The impact it had on her, and her family, how it was conducted, and how ICE further demonstrates their disdain for Immigrant Families by using her own SON to trap her:

Current Mood:
accomplished accomplished
* * *
* * *
For your information :) I hope to see some of you there :)



Stop the Raids!
Stop Disappearing Latino Workers!
Public Forum on the Situation in Danbury

SATURDAY, FEB. 3
7:30 P.M.
SAINT AUGUSTINE CHURCH
10 CAMPFIELD AVE.
HARTFORD
· Representative, Campaign to Stop the ICE Raids in Danbury
· Isaac, Day Laborer arrested and jailed by ICE
· Jim Welcome, Attorney for the Danbury 11
· Simon Moshenberg, Yale Law School, Attorney in Lawsuit against
Homeland Security
· Fr. Thomas Mitchell, Pastor, St. Augustine Church
· Representative, SEIU, Local 32BJ

What Happened in Danbury, Connecticut?

On September 19, 2006, eleven day laborers were approached by an
unmarked van with hardhats on the front seat. The workers jumped into the
van expecting to go to work, but were instead taken straight to jail.

The government refused to release their names, leaving their families
unsure of the fate of their loved ones. They were taken 150 miles away
to impede their defense. Soon six were shipped to two prisons in Texas.

The Danbury 11 joined the nearly 16,000 Latino workers currently being
unjustly held in a system of local and national prisons.

This raid, like all the other raids being carried out by ICE
(Immigration & Customs Enforcement –arm of Homeland Security) is designed to
induce terror and keep workers from fighting for decent wages and
conditions.

Expert legal help and demonstrations have freed 9 of the Danbury 11 on
bail. However, ICE has since arrested 6 more immigrants in Danbury.
The mayor and chief of police have vowed that raids will become a normal
part of life in Danbury.

Join us in the defense of immigrants in Danbury and elsewhere! Stand
up for immigrant rights and STOP THE ICE RAIDS!

Initiated by the CT Regional Coalition for Immigrant Rights. Sponsored
by the Western Connecticut Central Labor Council. For more information
go to http://www.stoptheraids.org, or call 860-538-3920.
* * *
I feel buried in this depression. Just absolutely buried by it. I cannot feel even the slightest bit of joy this holiday. I am just hating it. I want it to go away. I want everyone to shut off their holiday lights, and I want the music to go away. I don't want to buy presents, quite frankly, except for presents for myself, to distract myself. I'm becoming physically ill with the depression. My muscles ache. My throaght aches, and my eyes burn. I keep holding back the tears...because there is no place, no time to shed them. And shedding them, and crying means admitting he's really gone. That I'm not going to hold him in my arms again, that we'll never make love again. That he's not coming back to me.

He's gone. It's over. There is no more to do. There is no place for me in his existance. Not this new life he's begun. Maybe someday, long in the future. But that's a stretch. He's gone, as if he were dead. That's how gone he really is.

And he's showing his choices are clear. He's spent his last hours with her..his girlfriend. Not with me. He called me briefly, but didn't reach out and say "I want to see you one more time Jean..I want to be by your side once more...".

He was saying it even the last night we talked.."It's better this way. Better for us to keep our distance..because I have a girl..and because i'm going away...and.." And he let it trail off, but the meaning was clear.."And because I don't want you to love me anymore. I don't want you to have false hope. I'm never coming back to you Jean, so it is best that we have this clean break, so that you can move on.".

I don't want to move on. I still don't want to let go. Six months later, and I still don't want to let go of this hope in my heart. And I feel totally at the mercy of the misery I'm feeling. Totally at the mercy at how miserable life is right now. Totally at the mercy of my loneliness, and my grief. I can't do a damned thing to rise above it. I have friends. I don't have love. I want love...so much. I want something to look foward to. I want something to pull me up, and carry me through this season. And there is nothing there.

I feel like every where I go, i'm haunted. And I have waited for the feeling to subside. Waited for it to go away..and it hasn't. I just feel empty. No matter how many tasks I put in front of me. And every single time I start to hope for SOMETHING, even one little spark of happiness or hope, that too, is ripped away from me.

It's hard to keep that whole "Law of Attraction" thing in mind. It feels so false to try to paint a happy face, and send positive thoughts out. When all you feel inside, is waves of grief, unending.

I want him to go down there, and I want him to remember me at Christmas. And I want him to think about how happy we were, and I want him to call me and say "Come to me...come here with me. You have nothing there to tie you to Danbury any longer, come here, and be with me!". or to come back, and just show up on my door step someday not long into the future, and say.. "I made a mistake. I've had some time to think, and i've missed you!".

But, the truth is, if he did feel lonely, and if he DID decide to come back, it wouldn't be to me. It would be to her.

I'm just a part of his past.

I want him back, so so bad. I don't want to lose him to the progress of time. I don't want to give up, to let go.

I miss him so much....

I don't think i'm going to make it til New Years..
* * *
After watching "The Secret" I've decided to state my "Intent" to the universe.


1. I want my Soulmate to come to me. I want it to be W, or someone who makes me feel exactly what I felt for W, without any doubt, or any fear of loss. I want it to be sure, safe, and forever.

2. I want him.

3. I want to make $50,000 dollars a year, or more.

4. I want to be able to do for a living, something I love to do, and which will be fulfilling to me on a spiritual, emotional, and financial level.

5. I want to write a successful novel.

6. I want to be able to pay my bills.

7. I want to be healthy. I want the hives to dissappear, and to not return. I want an end to stomach ailments. I want to quit smoking. I want to lose 75 lbs, And to repair my teeth.

8. I want a life full of adventures with friends, adventures which are fulfilling, and safe.

9. I want to be physically attractive.

10. I want a home for myself, to share only with those who emotionally nurture me, and care for me, and respect me, and my own space within that home to nurture myself in.

11. I want to drive, and to have my own car.
* * *
I'm crashing into another deep depression right now. And as usual, I don't want to go to a therapist and actually do anything about it. Because the reasons I'm feeling depressed are legitimate. Medicine isn't going to fix the things in my life which are making me depressed. Nothing can. It's grief. Grief which has come back as full force as it was just a month after we were broken up. It's the holiday's coming. Last year was so wonderful...I keep remembering. Each day brings me closer to the days we spent together last year. And it's hurting so bad.

I'm going to be alone this year. A holiday devoid of joy, or romance, or that "holiday magic" you hear in every single christmas song and christmas movie. I'm so fucking depressed.

I don't want the holidays to come. I wish I could just close my eyes until they are over. I don't want to celebrate. I really don't. I had hoped by this time to find someone who would make me feel....something. But right now, there is nobody. And I feel SO incredibly lost and lonely again.

I'm really feeling like I'm never going to be happy again.

I'm so angry at him for not caring, not remembering. Not just ...talking to me, and telling me he remembers..and that it was special. I need to hear him remind me of that, and let me know he remembers too. I want him to be happy in his new relationship, but I want to know that I mattered to.

I hate that i'm completely erased from his life and memory, and do not know why. Or how. I hate thinking it was all a big lie.

I miss him. I'm so so fucking lonely. I hate my life right now. I am filled with just this...emptiness right now.

I think i'm heading toward suicidality again. But...I don't want to do anything about it. Because as I said..medication can't repair what is wrong. And I've TRIED all the other things people told me would help. I've filled up my life with as many activities as possible, tried to meet new people. And none of it's working. I'm still so fucking lonely, and unhappy. And nothing will make me feel the joy I felt last year. And I miss it so fucking much.

I really don't want help. I just want it to end.
* * *
So, I'm in a "clearing" stage, where i'm shaffing off the dead wood of my life. Dead wood being men I have known, who weren't what I really wanted, and who weren't worth my time or energy. The thing is, no matter how I realize that this is true, that they aren't worthy my time,and not what I wanted anyway, it leaves a social vaccuum. And when I look at my phone at night, and there are no phone messages, and there are few numbers I can or want to call, it makes me feel lonely, and meaningless.

Now, granted, my life isn't particularly meaningless. I go to the UUA. I'm in the social action groups. I go out. Realistically, I would have to say that right now at this point in my life, I have more going on than ever before. And yet, it lacks the depth of meaning that a relationship has. And even the friendships I'm making and trying to maintain, leave me feeling somewhat empty inside. The friends that I'm making now, are all friends i'm working on something with. They're not the type of friends I can call at 1 am because i'm lonely. They're not the type of friends who want to whisk me away on some adventurous trip. They're not the kind of friends who stimulate me, really. They stimulate me mentally while i'm with them having a discussion. But not the kind of friends who leave me feeling excited about life, or about anything, really. And they're not the kind of friends who take the edge off the loneliness.

In this current state, I have nothing else to do but to focus again on my loss. On the grieving I'm still doing for W.

It's been six months now...and there still seems no end to the grieving. How empty my life feels without him in it. Even as a friend. How I miss his presence, his joy, his laughter.

Unfortunately, he doesn't appear even mildly interested in being even in the smallest way a part of my life anymore. Emails and calls go unanswered. And these aren't the plaintive calls or emails about how I still love him, but the simple "Hey, how are you doing. Haven't heard from you" type calls or the "Can you do me a favor and burn a copy of that CD I bought you..." phone calls. It seems as though I have completely dropped off the map of his consciousness. And that hurts.

All the promises of forever friendship. All the assurances of a deep and lasting bond, even if we couldn't be together romantically. I meant them. He apparently didn't.

And worse than that, as of late I've had cause to reexamine our relationship with a rather jaundiced eye. And now he's given me reason to wonder whether we really ever had anything genuine or not. Or whether he was simply looking for something from me which ultimately, I couldn't provide. A sort of help I couldn't give. In essence, i'm feeling that he was waiting for the opportunity to use me. And I failed to provide him one.

Of course, reason steps in and says "But, you offered him stuff that he refused". Yes, well, I am beginning to wonder if perhaps that, too, was a very smart and calculated move.

And yet, though my brain tells me this, i'm still missing him. Still wishing he'd waltz in and correct me.

I dreampt of him last night. I dreampt he sent me a snotty, condescending text message.

I wonder if I really knew him at all.

Or if this impossible bar that he seems to have set for me, where I cannot be happy with any other guy, or even be more than interested slightly in any other guy, was one of my own creation, really. Qualities I dreamed up, and then impressed upon him. Which he "Acted" out, but never was. And if that is true, then how can I ever hope to have a relationship again.

The holidays are approaching. Each day that passes makes me more and more aware of that.
And inside I feel so empty. I go through the motions, and live a "full" life, by outward appearances. But inside I'm so lonely..just this big empty gaping hole. Missing something. Missing him. Missing that feeling that love had for me. Missing all of the joy in life.

A well is running dry in me. And the days are passing so quickly now. I am becoming more hopeless by the day....and feeling all the more pathetic, due to it.

I am stuck hating myself, quite honestly. A deep and abiding self loathing for a woman who had so much hope, and yet has failed to find the one thing she has wanted most in life.

I am a failure, and my existance, is quite meaningless, and empty. I want, I want, I want......
But I wander unfulfilled.
* * *
* * *
I haven't done my post election post, mainly, because I have simply been basking in the glow of happiness. Yes, friends, we have begun the long overdue process of tossing our criminal government out of office. Thank GODS! (Now, the only thing I think that could be better at the moment is if we immediately withdrew all troops from Iraq and Afghanistan, and took Bush out of office, and put him on trial for war crimes..but, for now, I'll celebrate this victory).

The dems have won both Senate, and House. The biggest sweep in gods know how long, and restoring my faith (to some extent) in the American Public. Sure, it took a lot longer than I wished, and true, the Neocons should never have gained power in the first place. However, little by little the exposure of the Republican Lie/War Party has become apallingly clear to the vast majority of the Voting population. Well, except for that ever present fundamentalist idiot populace. But we'll ignore them at the moment.

The fact that Rumsfeld has finally resigned brings me immense happiness all on its own. But I had to laugh out-right today when I saw this article:

WASHINGTON - Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld acknowledged Thursday progress in the Iraq war has not been going “well enough or fast enough” in his first extended remarks since announcing his resignation under political pressure

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/15640252/

Good On You, Rumsfeld. You've finally admitted to what was SICKNINGLY clear for the longest time to anyone with a brain.

In news of local politics, my old classmate, who also happens to be the first "Boy" I ever had a serious crush on, and the first boy whose number I ever worked up the courage to call (all the way back in my fifth and sixth grade years of school), won the state representative seat in my district. YAY JAY! I got to see him, talk to him on the phone, and got a big hug at the polls, which just about made my day. But what was even better than that hug, was knowing that I got to cast my ballot for not only someone who is a friend from the past, AND a total cutie pie, but someone whose platforms I actually DO agree with, and a person whose values, and integrity are beyond reproach (well..at least, so far. Don't let me down, Joe!). He does seem to be, by far, the best person they could have voted in. Knowing what I do about how he was raised, and who he is as a person, I was very proud to pull that little lever over his name that night. It's good to see when the good guys win.
* * *
"More than a Whisper"--- Nanci Griffith

More Than A Whisper Lyrics


(Nanci Griffith & Bobby Nelson)

How I wish that you would call... we have not spoken since last fall
Now that smokey conversation's come and gone
Do I just read between your line?
Or could it be this winter wine?... so sweet upon my tongue tonight
Recalls your tender eyes

[Chorus:]
O, I need more than a whisper... so much more than a whisper
It takes more than a whisper to wake this weary fool
Give me more than a whisper... if you're sayin' I love you
'cuz it's the whispers I have never understood

It's snowin' up in the northlands... I read your warm words from the plains
While the poets say that I should never be thinkin' of you this way
They say that I misread your lines 'cuz I've been lonely all my life
And here I'm reachin' for some silver and leavin' my heart out in the fire

[Chorus]

I will drink my winter wine... when I get home I'll change my mind
I'll only whisper that I love you in those smokey bars at night
And though the poets say I'm lonely... there's still this woman here inside
And I've never been a fool when my heart was on the line

[Chorus]
* * *
"I BELIEVE IN LOVE"- Indigo Girls


When we tried to rework all of this
Each to her rendition
Painted ourselves in a corner
Lost for ideas blindly fishing
For a compliment or kindness
Just to bring us into view
But you could not interpret me and I could not interpret you

I remember that cold morning when the trees were black with birds
I tried to make out some connection
We were at a loss for words
After all that we've been through
I could not see giving up
Despite the picture of our coffee growing colder in the cups

I want to say that underneath it all you are my friend
And the way that I fell for you I'll never fall that way again
I still believe despite our differences that what we have's enough
And I believe in you and I believe in love

So we went rolling on down through the years
Taking time off we could steal
Until the thief of things unreconciled
Stuck it's stick into the wheel
Now we're tumbling in a freefall
No one's gonna go unscathed
But it's not because you held back and its not how I behaved

I want to say that underneath it all you are my friend
And the way that I fell for you I'll never fall that way again
I still believe despite our differences that what we have's enough
I believe in you and I believe in love

There are avenues and supplements and books stacked on the shelf
Labyrinths of recovery in search of our best self
But most of what will happen now is way out of our hands
So just let it go and see where it lands

I want to say that underneath it all you are my friend
And the way that I fell for you I'll never fall that way again
I still believe despite our differences that what we have's enough
I believe in you and I believe in love
I believe in you and I believe in love
* * *
"KITE FLYERS HILL" ---Eddi Reader

Do you remember when we used to go up to
Kiteflyer's hill ?
Those summer nights so still
With all of the city beneath us
And all of our lives ahead
Before cruel and foolish words
Were cruelly and foolishly said

Sometimes I think of you and then I go up to
Kiteflyer's hill
Wrapped up against the winter chill
And somewhere in the city beneath me
You lie asleep in your bed
And I wonder if ever just briefly
Do I creep in your dreams now and then ?

Where are you now ?
My wild summer love
Where are you now ?
Do you think of me sometimes
And do you ever make that climb up to kiteflyer's hill ?

I pray one day you will
We won't say a word, we won't need them
Sometimes silence is best
We'll just stand in the still of the evening
And whisper farewell to lonlieness

Where are you now ?
My wild summer love
Where are you now ?
Do you think of me sometimes ?
Have the years been kind ?
And do you think of me sometimes ?

Where are you now ?
My wild summer love
Where are you now ?
Do you think of me sometimes
And do you ever make that climb up to kiteflyer's hill ?
Kiteflyer's.....
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1. Service today "Good Enough". Very touching. I feel so overwhelmed by the kindness of these people at the UUA. The minister, especially. What a wonderful woman. Gotta love a "church" that has "Your Song" By Elton John as their welcome music this week, and "I love you just the way you are" By Billy Joel for the musical reflection.

2. Strept throat gone. After effects of antibiotics in force though :(

3. I wonder who felt more jolted today, when I saw him on the road. Me, or Him? I didn't feel it as powerfully as I used to. It didn't shake me that badly. He waved. He craned. He looked a bit more jolted than I felt.

4. Back to work tomorrow. Glad because I've been bored. And need the money. But, gods..I got used to sleeping so much.

5. Busy week. Wheels of Justice tomorrow at WestConn. Social Action at the UUA Tuesday (plus voting day), Danbury for Peace Wednesday, Thursday free after work, Friday "Newcomers Coffee" At UUA, Saturday "International Multicultural Dance for Universal Peace". Sunday, Church.

6.Tired, but have laundry in.

7. Reading "White Masai", and Listening to Indigo Girls "Perennials". Also bought Eddi Readers Live in London. Good album.

Yeah..I wish he'd call, and that we could talk. Just like friends. Wonder if it will ever be possible for us to do that, and to not feel strained while doing it.
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http://www.connpost.com/localnews/ci_4573684

This Halloween, Connecticut witches are seeking justice for Mary Sanford and others who shared her fate.
Sanford, a 39-year-old mother of five children accused of witchcraft by neighbors in 1662 because she drank sherry in the woods, was hanged in Hartford on June 13 of that year for her alleged misdeeds.

Modern-day pagans such as Debra Avery, an eighth-generation descendant of Sanford, and her 13-year-old daughter, Addie, are trying to get official state exoneration for Sanford and others executed for witchcraft in Connecticut during the 17th century.

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Well, here is a little bit of interesting information. It appears I am most likely descended from this same Sanford Line. I am waiting to hear back more details about that line, however, according to my family tree, I am the 10th Great-Grandaughter of Thomas and Sarah Sanford. Thomas was born in Dorchester, MA in 1637. He died in 1683, in Fairfield, CT. Mary Sanford, and an Andrew Sanford, were both accused of Witchcraft in 1662, in Hartford, CT, but only Mary was put to death for the charge. Fairfield, is very close to Hartford.

Regardless. Interesting, that I am a modern day witch.

Also interesting, that the cemetary right down the road from me hosts many a Sanford Grave. Interesting, that one night, while feeling inordinantly "Witchy", I and a certain someone wandered into that cemetary on a bright and stary fullmooned summer night, and created a memory I will forever savor between he and I.

I wish I could tell him, I wish he'd understand the connection there. He'd probably just laugh, and feel uncomfortable. He'd never really understand, I don't suppose..what it means to me, even more today, than it did that night.
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If you haven't heard about War Profiteering, it is time that you did.
If you weren't aware that there are HUGE companies, making HUGE amounts of money off of this
"War" in Iraq, then it's time that you were made aware.
If you weren't aware that our government officials are taking campaign contributions from these
huge companies, such as Halliburton, Bechtel, CACI, Lockheed Martin, and others, then, you should have been.

But maybe you haven't. And so, you should stop what you're doing, visit www.iraqforsale.org, order the DVD, read through the website, and start acting, NOW.

I believe that many people were made aware in a far more nebulous, intangible manner, that Cheney had a relationship to Halliburton, and that Halliburton was a Government contract company, and was making alot of money in Iraq. But, I believe many do not, to this day, know exactly the depth of this corruption, know which other companies are involved, and know exactly why they should care.

Allow me to paint a brief picture for you.

Each day, Government Contract companies such as those mentioned above make MILLIONS of dollars in this war. MILLIONS. A DAY! For what? Doing the laundry of our soldiers (for which they charge almost a hundred dollars per bag of laundry to our governments account), to food service (which they serve three meals a day, on a set schedule, leaving our soldiers prone to attack while they are waiting in line to get their meals, rather than going to a 24 hr schedule, which would allow our troops to eat in shifts)to delivering mail (even one bag of mail, apparently 'needs' to be delivered by an entire envoy of contractor trucks, protected by armored vehicles, which of course, are all billed to our governments account). Haliburton, as an example, is even in charge of making sure a clean and fresh water supply is given to our troops for bathing, medical, and drinking. Never mind that GALLONS of this water was found to be contaminated, on further analysis by Parasites, disease, and toxins. Our servicemen are even put in charge of training these contractors to do jobs that they themselves could be, and should be doing.

And, let's not even get into the larger issues. Such as our communications being handled by Contractor companies. That's right kiddos...sensitive intelligence information being entrusted to private corporations who have contracts with our government, handed to our military men. And we WONDER why so many roadside attacks are happening that "nobody saw coming"? Or how about the fact that many of the interrogators used at prisons such as Abu Ghraib, are actually not military at all, but, yes, once again, Government Contract Employees with companies such as CACI. Of course, the government thinks that's better than having our own men do it. That way, when the abuses are leaked to the news, a few token servicemen are courtmartialed, the abuses can continue, and the true abusers never, ever can be traced back to our government. Isn't that just lovely?

Are you tired of the War in Iraq? Most of us are. But who is driving this war? Do you really believe it is the Iraqi government begging us to stay and restore their infrastructure? Do you really believe that Bush, and Condi are simply concerned about early withdrawal of our troops creating instability in the region? Think beyond that. Who do Bush, Condi, Cheney, Starr, Wolfowitz, Rumsfeld et al serve? Big Corporations, like Halliburton, Bechtel, CACI, etc. And why do they serve them? For a glance into that, simply go onto www.iraqforsale.com, and check the facts and research page. You can actually see lists of which senate and house members took campaign contributions from these corporations. And, if you just extrapolate that into the higher ranks of our government, i.e, BUSH..well, i'm sure you can get the picture. The administration doesn't want to end the war. The corporations SURELY do not want the war to end. Watch the movie, to see why. What i've just related, is only a drop in the bucket of the information available in that movie. All checkable facts, and testimony from the Contractors themselves, and the families of contractors who have died over there.

Watch the movie, feel your anger, and then Act.

Election day is November 7th. Let's make sure that the Republicans do not retain control, and when we finally DO get a Democratic House, let's make sure they vote against supporting War Profiteering.
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Before W and I became involved in a committed, deep, emotional love affair, we were friends. Albeit, for most of the time, we were friends with benefits. But, he entered my life at a time when I felt so lonely, and heart broken.

I'd suffered a broken heart at the hands of his best friend, P. Then I'd turned to the first man who I hooked up with after him, named Max. Max was a drug addict, and alcoholic. He stole from me, terrorized me, ruined my name, and in the end, got me pregnant, and eventually began a series of events that would cause the loss of that child.

W met me while I was still marginally involved with Max, and at the time I met him, I didn't know yet that I was pregnant with Max's child. At that point, I was trying to distance myself from Max, though he, with his emotionally terrorizing ways, was making that very difficult. W was a large part of the impetus to break it off with Max. But when I found out I was pregnant, it complicated matters. During my pregnancy, Max was showing up, and harrassing me and threaghtening me and my friends, so that I would see him, and put myself, and my baby in danger. W during that time, remained a steadfast friend. We became physically intimate during this time, and I was amazed that here I was, a pregnant woman, and I was still having W pay so much attention to me. He made me feel sexy, and wanted, and good, even though I was pregnant, unwed, and that my out of wedlock child was the progeny of a drug addict. I remember keenly, how he placed his hand on my pregnant belly at one point, tenderly. And then kissed me. And how overwhelmed I was with emotion in that moment.

I wound up not carrying that child to term. W and I got closer. Max dissappeared, and... eventually, W and I formed a deeper bond, and wound up dating exclusively.

I often remember that night, with his hand on my stomach. I remember how earlier that evening, I was huddled wrapped in a blanket, at my friends house, and W sat on a sofa across the room, and we sat and listened to some christian songs which my friend S thought would be comforting to me at that time (though why, I cannot say. Probably they were comforting to him..). But I heard one of those songs this morning, on my way to work, riding in my Taxi Cab. And it brought me back to that long ago night. The lyrics are eerie, longing, heartfelt. And, though it is meant to be a prayer to the Christian God, it describes perfectly what I am feeling this evening....tonight, I am longing so much, to have those moments back. Just to be held. Just to feel that connectedness that I felt to W. Just to have him bye my side again. Just to see him smile. Just to be in his presence. Instead, I am feeling so alone, so sad. So cold. I feel like i'm drowning again. And have felt like that since the moment he left. I miss him so...

This is my daily bread
this is my daily bread
your very word spoken to me

And I'm, I'm desperate for you
And I'm, I'm lost without you

And I'm desperate for you
And I'm, I'm lost without you.
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Yesterday, I was having a "down" day. Too much downtime at work, gave me too much time in which my mind could wander toward the past. I was missing him ALOT yesterday. I've realized that no matter what, there has still been, and probably always will be, this little tiny spark inside my heart that I carry for him. One of hope. As utterly rediculous at that may seem. I just finished reading a beautiful novel called "The Mercy of Thin Air" which dealt largely with the theme of unrequited love, or rather, love that too soon was lost due to death of one of the lovers. And how these people struggled to move on with their lives, and managed to move foward, form new partnerships, even though they still carried love for their deceased loved ones in their hearts. The second time around was never as glorious, or all consuming or passionate as their first loves were..however, they managed to move into a more comfortable, understated love. I am hoping, to at least find that. But...as my yahoo horoscope says:




A person from your past might be holding you back from enjoying your present -- or rather, the memories of them are keeping you from moving forward. Are you stuck in the past? Yes, it's important to understand how old relationships or old choices can affect you today, but you could run the risk of getting stuck in nostalgia. Progress stagnates when all you do is compare your current life to your past life. Put away the photo albums and decide to walk forward.
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Lots to update.

Brian and I are probably on the outs, I'm not surprised. I didn't really think it was going anywhere anyway. He's not dumping me, it's kind of a mutual thing. It's just a realization that we are way too different to make a go at anything seriousCollapse )

So, other than that, been keeping myself busy outside the context of my "it's not really a thang" thing with Brian.

This weekend I went out with him on Friday night, Got pretty trashed, and had a fairly "eh" kind of night. Slept at his house. Then got up and went out to brunch with him which was.."eh". Discovered I don't like Ecuadorian food. Though they do make good milk shakes.

Then, I went apple picking Which is always one of my favorite activitiesCollapse )

Then, my friend Scot invited me to join him at a gltb and gltb friendly game night hosted at the Unitarian Church, and I went. We got there, and there was not one single male there, which deeply dissappointed Scot, and gave him a little to chuckle over, since it was all lesbian women. I learned that I can blend in just fine with just about any crowd that I am in and had a nice time playing scrabbleCollapse )

Next morning was my Womens Group. I led a guided meditation on being able to savor the sweet moments in life, and it seemed to work really well. Because it did take people quite a while to "come to" after the meditation. That made me feel good. We all shared stories of memories of chocolate, information on the health benefits of chocolate, thoughts on why we seek comfort in chocolate. How we nurture others, and express our love, with chocolate. The metaphysical aspects and magickal properties, of chocolate. It was SO much fun! And of course, there was ALOT Of chocolate being passed around too, which makes it that much better. I can honestly say that I do like the women of this group. I feel so welcomed, so envigorated, so cheered and supported by them, and this was only my second time amongst them!Collapse )

After loading up on so much chocolate, inevitably, I crashed when I got home, and slept all night long.

Then woke this morning, and came to work. I have to wait another MONTH before another group meeting! :(
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